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LiveJournal for Miss Angel Starr.

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Thursday, December 18th, 2008

Time:10:48 pm.
Comments: ~a penny for your thoughts.

Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

Subject:In case it's not obvious...
Time:12:45 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
I will not be writing in this journal again... which is bittersweet. I have been spending time going through old entries and I'm working slowly on saving the important ones to my hard drive so I can have a copy of them... after that I will probably delete this or make it private... no sense in keeping the past alive. I have to say that I do miss having this outlet. I was looking through my paper journals before this one and found the entry that I made the day I decided to stop updating. It's basically a list of everything I have used as a crutch in my life to avoid accepting and dealing with things on a more human and personal level and this journal was pretty close to the top of the list. A quote from that entry: "I feel like my brain to mouth wiring got crossed and now my thoughts and feelings can only escape through my hands." Sad part is, I don't think abandoning it did as much as I thought it would. I am still disconnected most of the time... only instead of expressing myself in a creative way, I bottle things up or write them down just to get them out which is not the same. There was some good writing in here... I surprised myself actually and I wish I could get back to that state of mind but I think it may be too late... or maybe I've outgrown myself. I would like to think that my life is better now, but any number is higher than a negative... even zero. So who knows? Anyway... the point is, it's winter time.... when I'm always my most creative... I have this strong desire to start writing again but every time I sit down to write I am blank.... or worse, I start dictating my life and writing everything down like a catalog of experiences. This makes me go back to reading my old writing which makes me want to write even more, repeat, repeat, repeat. SOOOO... In an effort to escape this case of writer's block I am thinking of starting a NEW LiveJournal. I realize that it seems silly, and also that barely anyone I know is on this site anymore... but I can't write in a journal that I started when I was a different person... I have to learn to let go and stop repeating so this is my awkward way of doing so... if anyone is out there still... if anyone cares, I will post the link to my new LJ if I decide to go through with it and I'd love you to still be my friend... my friends were the main thing that kept this one going... So thanks. And if I don't start a new LJ then this will be goodbye for me... <3333
Comments: ~a penny for your thoughts.

Monday, April 16th, 2007

Time:3:06 pm.
People are still on Live Journal?? Holy hell I've been slacking.
Comments: 1 ¢ ~a penny for your thoughts.

Tuesday, February 14th, 2006

Subject:Do this please... it'll take two seconds... okay thanks!<33
Time:7:35 pm.
Comments: ~a penny for your thoughts.

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

Subject:The highlights of my day...
Time:9:42 pm.
Mood: amused.
-Being wide awake at 3am with no explanation as to why.

-Deciding all I want out of life is grapefruit juice, a newspaper and some breakfast -in that order.

-Get to 7-11... no newspapers. Strike one.

-Have to walk the extra three blocks to another store to get juice and the paper.

-Open said 'grapefruit juice' (which, by the way is clearly labeled as being 100% Juice... I assumed they meant GRAPEFRUIT juice) anyone who has ever even seen the inside of a grapefruit, never mind tasted one, would've never been fooled by this garbage... pear and apple juice with a splash of actual grapefruit for coloring... fuck you Dole... it's so bad that I throw it out. Strike two.

-Get to breakfast place... an hour before they open. Strike three.... in less than 20mins. Awesome start.

-Finally decide to go somewhere else... eat, read the paper, do the crossword and sudoku, look through the classifieds... still restless.

-I figure I'll stay out for a bit and wander around... I spot a coffee place downtown called The Corporate Cafe... it's located conveniently across from a Starbucks and a block from an Au Bon Pain... is this someone's idea of a joke?

-Small plus... found a new RI Mr. Potato Head statue!! I'm psyched.

-Still restless... take a bus to go shopping. Listen to people at the bus stop complain because someone with a wheelchair is getting on and it's raining.
Hey... know what's worse than waiting an extra two seconds in the rain to get on the bus? NOT BEING ABLE TO USE YOUR FUCKING LEGS.

-Find temporary solace in shoe shopping... bought the hottest shoes anyone has ever seen... I tried to find a picture of them but I couldn't.

Now for the crowning moment of my morning:

I get on the bus to come home. There is a man in the seat closest to the door with his bags on the side of him... I won't describe him because I don't want you to be biased... all I will tell you is that he was under 30 and could've easily walked to the end of the bus and back without breaking a sweat.. you'll understand the relevance of this in a minute.

Flash forward to about ten minutes later when we pull up to a stop... an elderly woman with a cane gets on... there are barely any seats towards the front and she HAS A CANE... so she goes to the seat next to the guy and says 'Can you move your things so I can sit there?' He looks behind her and goes... I shit you not...'There's a seat behind you'

So the woman shuffles past him to the other seat but not before saying 'I thought those seats were reserved for the elderly and handicapped' ...Good for you I thought... let him know he's an asshole.

Does it stop there? Oh no... the dude looks at her and goes 'There are plenty of seats on the fucking bus, sit in one of those and let me worry about where I'm sitting... mind your fucking business... I'm not getting stuck behind your slow ass while I'm trying to get off this bus, I'm fucking late enough already.'


Let me remind everyone that I'm not known for my even temper or for being timid.

So this happened:

Angela: "Wow dude, get the sand out of your vagina and learn some common decency'
Dude: 'Excuse me... I don't have a vagina bitch, I'm all man... and what the fuck do you know about common decency?
A: 'I know that if I were you and she had gotten on I would've taken a seat in the back without having to be asked'

...now's the part where I inform you that in my anger I had just unintentionally told a black man to sit in the back of the bus...

Dude: 'Back of the bus? What am I? Motherfucking Rosa Parks? Decency... shit... You have no respect for dead people.'
(Oh yeah... that's what he said. I have no respect for dead people.)
A: 'If Rosa Parks was alive and walked on this bus, I'll tell you right now that if I was sitting where you are I would've picked up my bags and given her my seat right up front.. because I respect my elders and I'm not an ignorant asshole.'

Um... yeah... this was followed by a few people laughing and the man (who I didn't mention before was obviously on some kind of uppers) yelling 'I'll stab every mother fucker on this bus if you don't shut the fuck up.'

At which point the bus driver... finally taking notice... pulled over and kicked the guy off... in the middle of the highway... in the rain...
and Angela felt justified.

The end.
Comments: ~a penny for your thoughts.

Sunday, January 29th, 2006

Time:1:51 am.
Mood: determined.
I'll start by saying that I know you didn't want to hear from me. I understand completely. If I were you, I'm sure that I would feel the same. I know that you feel like I abandoned you and Deanne. From your perspective it wouldn't make sense for you to feel otherwise. I know these things and I respect the fact that you feel that way. At the same time, I feel like I owe it to both of us to try and explain things so that maybe you can gain some perspective of my situation at the time. Maybe it will help... maybe not. What I have to say may ring true to you or it may sound like excuses. Whatever the outcome, now that I know you are still around and there is a way for me to get in touch with you, I can't possibly go back to the way things were. I am very sorry if this is hard but it is hard for me too.
I'm sure that this feels out of the blue, but for me it isn't at all. I tried quite a few times to find you and get in touch but I was cut off at every pass... to the point where I figured you had to be miles away. Your girlfriend finding me and telling me that you were happy and healthy was the most exciting news I had gotten in years. Followed by her telling me you didn't want anything to do with me, which I half expected.
I wish I had the perfect thing to say that would make you suddenly understand why I did the things I felt that I had to... but I don't. Anything I can think of just sounds contrived. Even if I did know what to say it wouldn't make it okay and it certainly wouldn't make it hurt any less. For that I am sorry. If it's any consolation, admitting that I didn't have what it took to raise you guys was, hands down, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I need you to know that I didn't just wake up one day and decide not to care anymore.
Understand that I was seventeen years old. My mother had just died right when we were finally learning how to talk to each other. My father, who meant the world to me when I was a naive little girl had just proven to me, once and for all, how little he actually cared about anything or anyone but himself. I was lost and I was scared as hell, even if you couldn't see it. Now this scared, lost, heartbroken little girl was, for all intents and purposes... a mother. Under the best of circumstances I wasn't ready for something that huge. Not one kid but two, each as heartbroken and vulnerable as I was... your sister barely able to get through a night without crying... and you... you were so angry all of the time. Angry at everything... mom, dad, me. I didn't know how to help you. I didn't know what to do to make you guys feel happy again. I was starting to think that maybe we'd never actually been happy before. I couldn't imagine things ever getting better and it killed me.
I loved you and your sister more than you know and more than I could ever explain to you in words. I know I was never good at showing it. I always wished growing up that I could've been more like you. I know it sounds odd but it's the truth. You were never timid about telling people how you felt or how much they meant to you. I on the other hand, for reasons you may never identify with, always felt the need to hide whatever I was feeling. I always thought someone would see it in a negative way or think I was weak... sometimes I still feel that way. I know I may have seemed cold and uncaring or unaffected but please know that it was the opposite. To this day I am still horrified sometimes when I think of everything that happened to us that year and I am still confused about how I got through it, how any of us did. For me, I think shutting down was the only option. I wish I could've been strong enough to let you know that I was hurting with you.
Believe it or not I still think that my decision to let you guys go was the best and least selfish thing I've ever done. I wanted us to stay together so badly. However to keep you both and bring you down with me would have ruined your lives and your chance at a future and let's face it... we would've been miserable. I would've had to fight our father to keep you guys which would've been long and painful and it was very possible that I would've lost. Even if I could've convinced any judge that I, at seventeen was fit to raise two emotionally distraught children, where would we be? Miserable, poor and still in the projects in Woonsocket. I am not saying that your life was easy, I'm sure it wasn't. At the same time I am equally sure that it was better than I could have ever made it for you... so as for my decision I am not sorry and I hope one day you can forgive me for that.
Immediately after leaving that house, our house, I knew we shouldn't see each other until we were ready. There was so much pain there. I couldn't imagine us ever being able to grow together or have any semblance of a normal relationship until we had time to mature and figure out who we were after everything that we had been through. Maybe we still aren't ready for this, it still feels so much bigger than us... but I want us to be ready. I want this to be the time and I can only hope that this tiny insight I've tried to give you is a small start to making that happen...
Comments: ~a penny for your thoughts.

Saturday, January 28th, 2006

Subject:Karma is kicking my ass.
Time:4:16 pm.
Mood: discontent.
So the new job...

Yeah... that's gone now too.

I'm not sure what the hell is going on lately but I hope it stops soon.
I feel like over the course of the last two weeks everything I've been happy about has blown up in my face.

I guess I should've known better about the job anyway... too shady, too much drama. It has to be some sort of sign when people you don't even know are telling you that it's a bad idea to work somewhere because of who owns it.
Eh... it was fun while it lasted.

I'm taking a few days to get myself together... I think I need/ deserve it. Then will come the decision of the century... Go back to ABP or find something new... we'll see what happens.

Who knows what kind of crap job I'm going to get saddled into next or what the hours are going to be.

Anyone who I have to travel to hang out with get in touch soon... I may just make it happen.
Comments: 9 ¢ ~a penny for your thoughts.

Tuesday, January 24th, 2006

Time:7:13 pm.
I had to put my kitty to sleep today... could this month get any worse?
Comments: 4 ¢ ~a penny for your thoughts.

Monday, January 16th, 2006

Subject:THIS man is my LITTLE brother!!
Time:1:30 pm.
Mood: confused.

Can you believe this shit?? Who else remembers what he used to look like??
Comments: 2 ¢ ~a penny for your thoughts.

Thursday, January 12th, 2006

Subject:Minor update in a major hurry.
Time:4:06 pm.
Mood: okay.
The family thing:
I'm working on it... I'm talking to Adam's girlfriend to try and figure out a way to get through to him... and she's sending me pictures so it's a start... I'm also trying to get to my sister through them but I'm not sure how that will work out yet... yes I'm upset about it but anyone who knows me knows I can get through it so no worries.

The work thing:
My new job is pretty awesome... I'm one of two managers at the Liquid Lounge. I work on the slowest nights so I hang out with my friends and the staff and drink and have a good time... the only downside is that the owner is a dick and I've become almost completely nocturnal. I'm going to be starting a dance night there on Mondays and movie night on Sundays... they have three GIGANTIC plasma screen TVs, I gotta use them somehow!

The <3 thing:
I have a minor crush, once again someone that I can't have, but that's what I do best... so far it's all good and no bad, so I'm not worried about it. We're making sense out of something senseless and that matters more to me right now than schemantics.

The home thing:
I still love my apartment... but I still want to move to a new city... I'm trying to convince myself that since I keep coming back to Providence I must belong here, so far it's working but maybe I need a vaction.

The end.
Comments: ~a penny for your thoughts.

Wednesday, January 11th, 2006

Time:1:10 pm.
Mood: crushed.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jill
Date: Jan 11, 2006 6:26 AM

I spoke with Adam last night and he had already known that I had found you on here. He said he feels like you abandoned him and Deana and he doesn't want to hear from you I'm sorry hun.
Comments: 5 ¢ ~a penny for your thoughts.

Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

Subject:Can you even understand how HUGE this is?? Myspace has finally done me some good.
Time:1:56 pm.
Mood: indescribable.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jill
Date: Jan 9, 2006 10:39 AM

do you have a brother adam?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Beauty in the Breakdown
Date: Jan 9, 2006 2:26 PM

Weird that you would ask that... I actually do but I haven't seen or talked to him in forever... he's like 8 years younger than me though... so we probably aren't talking about the same person.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jill
Date: Jan 9, 2006 12:15 PM

he had mentioned that he had an older sister angela.
i know his little sister deana i met her like once last summer.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Beauty in the Breakdown
Date: Jan 10, 2006 12:48 PM

Yeah... that's me... her name is Deanne. How is he doing? I haven't heard from him or seen him in like 6 years.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jill
Date: Jan 10, 2006 9:53 AM

She got addopted. I heard she is doing ok but also that she is getting into trouble and mouthing off to her parents. but she's like 14 so thats normal.
Adam and I have been together for almost year now he's doing really well has a really good job, were living together.
how have you been?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Beauty in the Breakdown
Date: Jan 10, 2006 1:22 PM

I'm good... I'm glad to hear he's doing well... have him get in touch with me if you could... I'd love to talk to him.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jill
Date: Jan 10, 2006 10:34 AM

ok his e-mail address is adam****@*****.com
or PO BOX **** warwick RI 02887

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Beauty in the Breakdown
Date: Jan 10, 2006 1:35 PM

Thank you so much.
I appreciate it more than you know.
Comments: ~a penny for your thoughts.

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

Time:2:17 pm.
I am so out of touch with everyone.
I prove it to myself every time I go to my friends page.
What the shit is that all about?

P.S. Come to my karaoke Sunday nights at the Safari and play catch up... that's right I said my karaoke. I run that shit bitch.
Comments: 6 ¢ ~a penny for your thoughts.

Tuesday, June 14th, 2005

Time:1:16 pm.
Mood: blah.
Gayties night.
New boy.

Tomorrow breakfast and the beach??

I never talk to anyone anymore.

I suck.

This should change.
Comments: ~a penny for your thoughts.

Monday, May 9th, 2005

Subject:Still no internet...
Time:1:22 pm.
But the best apartment ever and a pretty awesome lady to share it with.
Comments: 2 ¢ ~a penny for your thoughts.

Tuesday, April 5th, 2005

Subject:I have no internet.
Time:1:46 pm.

I am, however, moving into a new apartment soon, so that may change very quickly... wish me luck!
Comments: ~a penny for your thoughts.

Thursday, January 27th, 2005

Time:8:15 pm.
I am an ugly drag queen... I need a facelift... or so I hear.
Comments: 2 ¢ ~a penny for your thoughts.

Thursday, January 13th, 2005

Subject:It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip....
Time:8:33 pm.
It's pretty much the best drawing I've ever done:
Hahahahahahahhahaha... when I say I find the crazy ones I mean it!

For You Ange...

Apologies can be difficult when trying to show you truly mean it.
But Angela I am really so sorry, please you need to believe it.
I am asking you please for a second chance.
You were the only girl I looked back at for a second glance.
You're so beautiful, its friggin incredible.
You're so hott and completely edible.
I would never intentionally try to hurt you.
I was just so angry I didnt know what to do.
Thats when I went to your home, looking to fight.
I know I fucked up everything and nothing is alright.
But here is my apology, in hope of your acceptance.
Please just one more chance, I swear I learned my lesson.

<33 Taryn

even worse:

Careful when you click me... I'm Sccccaaaaarrrryyyyy!!!!
Comments: 14 ¢ ~a penny for your thoughts.

Tuesday, January 11th, 2005

Time:10:10 am.
Last night was the first time in two weeks that I've been home for more than an hour or two...
Finally got some things accomplished like laundry and a few other errands, cleaned up my room, which had been feeling the effects of my run in/ change clothes/ run out routine... fixed my computer... got soulseek to work again... I'm fucking excited as all hell about that... I will inevitably start making mix CDs like crazy again!!! Let me know if you want one... I know I already owe Sighly... Other than that, I had a date with my PJs and my bed and some movies... fell asleep around 10 which is unheard of. It was good though, I needed to relax a bit.

Oh I finally got my promotion at work... had my first two shifts by myself this weekend... funny that I'm doing almost nothing different except for counting money... I was already bossing everyone around.

The Grove St. kids have my <3 we've been hanging out almost every day, it's been amazing, funny that once upon a time people were trying to get me not to like any of them... but clearly they are amazing and make better friends than the people who tried to steer me away.

I think that's it for now, I'm off to work.
Comments: 4 ¢ ~a penny for your thoughts.

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

Subject:HAPPY FUCKING 2005!
Time:2:10 pm.
Last night was the perfect way to start the year in case anyone was wondering...
So many friends and so many drinks... gave someone a much needed self-esteem boost... hopefully it lasts...drunken walks through the city... 'Hey, you're cute!!' ...SO many of my little crushes all at once... so many dances with those boys and ladies!! ... 'I have Sangria, come over!' ...yeah that's right. Sangria date, tonight... maybe I'm not so bad at flirting...
Comments: ~a penny for your thoughts.

LiveJournal for Miss Angel Starr.

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